Finding Mr. Right is not an easy task. Even a bigger challenge is to identify Mr. Right among so many Mr. Wrongs. It is like finding a needle in a haystack. The prince charming you have been so eagerly waiting for since the age of eight, when you used to organize make believe tea parties, bridal showers and of course watch Cinderella, Snow White and Rapunzel is nowhere to be seen. So what went wrong? Where is your prince charming, your Mr. Right?
Before we examine what went wrong and device the strategy to find Mr. Right, let’s learn something from the story of a student and the teacher.
One morning, the student curiously asked his teacher- “How do I find my soulmate?” The teacher instructed his student to go find the most beautiful flower in the vast garden spread over a mile. The only condition was that the student could only walk forward and was not allowed to turn back. The student returned empty handed after 3 hours. The teacher inquired, “Why didn’t you bring the most beautiful flower?” The student explained, “Because I wanted to pick the most magnificent flower. I did find a lot of beautiful flowers but I wondered if there were any better ones ahead. I continued walking and reached at the end of the garden. Since, I was not allowed to turn back, I returned without picking any flower”.
Next day the teacher asked the student to go back in the garden and bring the most beautiful flower. This time the condition was to pick the first beautiful flower the student encounters in the garden. The student happily went and brought a beautiful flower.
The teacher then said, “This is how you find your soulmate”. There is no one single soulmate. The feeling of love is amazing. A lot of people come and go in our lives, loving us in unique ways they can. As we progress through life we leave behind a lot of wonderful people who could have been our soulmate. Our search of Mr. Perfect Soulmate who fits our checklist to the Tee, leads us on a path from which we can’t turn back. The feeling of honeymoon phase evaporates, wanting to have the adrenaline rush of meeting someone new and falling in love again or having an affair seems alluring. However that is not the path to find a soulmate. You can’t ‘have it all’. For the sake of being in a happy and committed relationship with your soulmate compromises need to be made. You have to pick the first best person you see, who loves you, respects you and cares for you and learn to make yourself fall in love with the first and best soulmate you choose, over and over and over again. That’s how you grow old with your soulmate.
How to find Mr. Right?
1) Listen to the songs and the poems men compose-
The first clue to find Mr. Right is right in front of us in the form of lyrics of the songs, and the poem the men have composed over centuries. What Mr. Right wants in a woman hasn’t changed even in the 21st century. The compositions and lyrics always point to a woman who is feminine, beautiful, loyal, humble and supportive. They write about wanting a woman who knows the value of respect in the relationship and ushers calm and soothing environment in man’s life. None of the men ever composed songs or wrote a poem about wanting an ever nagging, controlling, overly criticizing, thankless and unappreciative woman. They never write about wanting an unapproachable woman who is always preoccupied with her cell phone. To attract the Mr. Right in your life, you need to develop the qualities that are more lady-like, qualities that men have been writing and dreaming about since centuries.
2) Understand the polarity-
Easiest way to turn off a woman- Be feminine, follow her tirelessly, leave all the decision making on woman, send long text messages with 2 emojis after each word, be submissive, gossip, cry every now and then, be the man whom no other woman wants, don’t make any money and wear a pink hat.
Easiest way to turn off a man- Be masculine, unapproachable, dominating, make all the decisions on relationship yourself, be judgmental, listless and dull, show no expressions or emotions, be thankless, have a 100 page list of men you have slept with and shave your head.
Sometimes we women just complain, why don’t men just get it? It is very disheartening when a perfect on paper Mr. Right, tries to woo you in a way which resembles a woman wooing a man. The same issue is women as well, behaving like a man won’t attract Mr. Right, and it would only repulse him. Mr. Right would like you to be his special princess, not a princess of the entire town. Things and behaviors that men and women like in each other are polar opposite.
My first hand experience with married women has brought me to the conclusion that wearing the pants in the relationship and being in charge does not make a woman happy. Trying to take control over the relationship by being harsh, angry and critical takes the relationship nowhere. It only results in the man withdrawing from the relationship altogether. Being the nurturing, supportive and caring party in the relationships makes woman feel less like a man and instead allows her to be more feminine. Why do women nag their boyfriends and husbands? Most women won’t like to admit, but they nag not because they have bad boyfriends or husbands. They simply nag to check and make sure if their husband/boyfriends are still the same masculine man they fell in love with. They nag to feel their masculine energy, they nag when they crave their man to be their leader. They nag to make sure if they are safe and secure with their man. Men just don’t get it. Do they?
3) Know your choices-
From last 50 years women are carefully being stripped of the freedom to choose family over career. Today, women don’t have the choice between being career women and housewives. Being a loving mother and caring housewife is looked down upon. Women were told over and over that they are nothing without their careers and college degrees. A feminist manifesto written by feminist Simone DeBeauvoir In 1949, quote, “No woman should be allowed to stay at home to raise her children. Women should not have that choice, precisely because if there is such a choice, too many women will make that one.” The manifesto by second wave feminist became one of the reasons so many young women let go of their dream of becoming a perfect housewife of a Mr. Right. Being a housewife and raising the kids is now a matter of shame.
I am not saying here that being career oriented is wrong. It’s simply a matter of choice. You should be free to choose whether you would like to be a career woman or a mother and housewife. Both of these choices are respectable in their own merit. The key is like in the flower story, you can’t turn back. Being a career woman you would let go of many Mr. Rights and compromise with your youth and beauty in order to climb up the corporate ladder. You can’t just turn the time around and be young again to find your Mr. Right in time. The consequences of the choices cannot be undone.
4) Be prepared to marry down-
In USA, college enrollment of women is 60%, far higher than men at 40%. Young female workers are out earning men. This has directly impacted the pool of eligible men available for women. The fierce competition among women to snag the equally educated Mr. Right is getting tough. Be prepared to go Dutch on first date. Unlike women who take the education, financial and social status of their prospective Mr. Right into account, men couldn’t care less about women’s college degrees. They always go for feminine, young and attractive woman. You would never hear a man say, WoW she has a graduate degree in advanced science, I want her now! Moreover the high debt burden and college degrees in gender science, performing arts or a PhD in pre-colonial scarfs worsen the credit situation of many women. College degrees for own interest and self independence is perfect, but it won’t help attract Mr. Right. Depending on your field of employment it might be able to put you in the right circles though. However don’t pick Mr. Right at work place. Remember the saying- Never dip your pen into the company’s ink. If things don’t work out, it can get way too risky for your career.
5) Modesty and chastity-
The one aspect where men and women differ from each other is how they view sex. Women invest far more psychologically, emotionally and physically when it comes to sex. Like in the flower story, women prefer to choose the best man for physical intimacy. They can’t help but compare the previous partner with the next one. For men, it’s not so. Each flower they pluck, each partner they choose, is just a notch under their belt. They can have multiple partners without getting physiologically and emotionally traumatized like women. If not being careful, women have to go through abortions that damage their body. They have to hide their bad past from Mr. Right. Sexual revolution is another area where feminists got women in trouble. Modesty, chastity and virginity does not equates to the sexual oppression of women by men. The deep emotional intimacy of sex to experience it with her Mr. Right at the right time is rather a choice that women previously had, which they no longer have. Like being a housewife, chastity is now frowned and mocked upon.
The sexual liberation destroyed any hope of courtship by Mr. Right. With a few finger swipes on Tinder, PoF or OkCupid, men can simply evaluate women based on profile pictures. These dating apps made women worthy of a onetime hook-up based on looks, not a relationship or marriage. Believe me, if Prince Charming would have found Cinderella on Tinder, it would have been instant turn off for him. Men don’t go to these dating sites for relationships, or to find their soulmate. You are definitely not going to find your Mr. Right on Tinder or in a lousy bar. You have to make yourself approachable. The best places would be weddings, sports club, conventions, fund raising events, community service center, and fitness center or any place you go to enjoy your hobbies. You can also try the fix up by friends or family.
6) Know what you are bringing to the table-
You have to set your priorities right. Ask yourself what are the most important qualities you need in Mr. Right. Is it the financial stability, height, college education or sense of humor? It is important to have realistic expectations from Mr. Right. Do not borrow the must have list from your girlfriends. It is crucial for you to do some soul searching and make your own criteria for choosing your Mr. Right. Once you know what you want in Mr. Right, think about the things that you would bring to the table if Mr. Rights happens to reciprocate your feelings. Try to get the best deal. If you have just turned over 30, changing your criteria from ‘must be fun’ to financial stability does not count as raising your standard, it is just being demanding without bringing something of equal value to the table. It would do no good except for reducing the pool of eligible men. Mr. Right would ask himself -Whats in it for me? What would you provide Mr. Right in exchange of financial stability that a young, attractive 20 something girl can’t. If you say, now at 30 you are more sexually experienced, stronger, and more self-assured, then these are the qualities that make men attractive. Men would go for a loyal, young and feminine woman irrespective of her being stronger or self assured. And being too sexually experienced is a quality that your Tinder date would appreciate, not Mr. Right.
Remember, you have to make yourself worthy of Mr. Right’s time, energy and resources as well. It is not about settling, if your list says 6 ft tall, looks like Ryan Gosling and minimum salary of 250K, you have to be minimum 5, 10 tall, have looks and age of Kendall Jenner and make around 200K. Or you could win Mr. Right with your humility, caring nature and proving yourself to be a worthy mother and housewife. It is absolutely necessary that you have something for Mr. Right on the table as well. The give and take aspect for successful relationship cannot be neglected.
An honest self assessment of your relationship value can help you find your Mr. Right. Your real life success stories, your friends, family and general courteous behavior are better indicators of your relationship value in compared to Facebook likes, tinder swipes and Instagram followers which doesn’t mean much to Mr. Right anyways. When you do find your Mr. Right don’t forget to appreciate his courting, opening the doors for you, and treating you like lady in general. Reciprocate the gesture in a feminine way and by treating him with respect. Let yourself fall head over heels in love with Mr. Right. If you are not truly in love with and attracted to the Mr. Right from the very beginning, it is a clear indication that he is indeed not your Mr. Right. Keeping looking for Mr. Right and when you finally find your Mr. Right, entice him with your feminine qualities.
Emily believes that people should always live their lives to the fullest every day. She loves her dog JiJi. Emily has graduated from the University of Michigan and is a passionate relationship blogger who is looking forward to her career as a relationship and dating coach. She is an avid book reader with a special liking for romance, horror, and sci-fi genre.